A day in the life of Simon Jenkins

A day in the life of Simon Jenkins, writer of nonsense and target of spoof blog posts (the reasons for this are explained here), I hope you enjoy it.

Science, rubbish isn't it. I mean it's all numbers and relative risk. It's impenetrable quantum physics nonsense about Particle Duality. I mean really, can something really be in 2 places at once? Of course it can't, how stupid. Can that tree over there be in somewhere else whilst I can see it? No and, while I'm at it, Schrodinger should be reported for his abuse of that cat. I mean putting it in a box is just cruel.

I, like many other people who don't understand something, find my lack of intellectual fitness no hindrance to criticising it. In fact I find my own lack of understanding as a justification for hating something.

Whenever I see a science story on the science stuffed BBC or in a newspaper it is as if someone is ringing a bell somewhere and I cannot help myself but dribble slightly and write an incredibly smug and, in my not at all humble opinion, very witty column saying how rubbish it is and how much money is wasted on research into stupid things that I don't understand and, therefore, don't think are of any use.

Obviously I spend my time trying to avoid anything scientific. I am awoken everyday by my clock radio that has an Ipod connection and have a nice cup of tea from my Teasmade. Breakfast and a shower and then I get dressed. Only natural fibres for me nothing man-made.

Then on to check me E-mail and the Daily Mail website to see what I should be offended by and should complain about. Yes, I except that this is a bit sciencey but it's hardly the LHC is it?

It is hard to avoid science in modern life but it can be done and by the time lunch rolls around I have worked up a bit of an appetite. It's usually a microwave something for me. I can have whatever I like to eat because my local Waitrose has absolutely everything, all year round, it's brilliant!

A short nap after lunch is required, I am getting on a bit you know, but after that I ready to go again. A slight headache has developed so a quick trip to the medicine cabinet is required. Sorting through the packets of tablets, pushing aside the Permethrin cream and my PPI, I find the aspirin and take a couple.

It is a lovely day so I go for a short work, not for too long though, a column won't write it's self, I'm not Richard Littlejohn.

Down by the river the views are lovely, ducks and swans paddling around, raising their young. They don't need science to have a lovely life. I take their picture, as I step over a dead duck, on my digital camera. I get some lovely pictures on it, no idea how it works though, can't imagine that any part of it won one of those pointless Noble Prize things.

Key in the lock to let me back in the house and disarm the burglar alarm. Cup of tea and a little rest before getting on with some work, well maybe an episode of Quincey on ITV4.

Some ill-informed typing does get done without the need to do any research and then it's dinner time, meat and 2 veg (from around the World again) as you would expect with a cheeky little Chilean red.

My evening usually consists either of my Miss Marple box set on Blu-Ray or Radio 3 on my DAB and then to bed. As my head hits my hypo-allergenic pillow I think about how much science I haven't used that day and how it has no effect on my life. I fall asleep smiling at the certainty with which I hold my views and the ridicule I pour upon others who search to find the answers to questions that I can't even imagine. A tamazepam helps me to sleep and to over come the terrible emptiness that gnaws away inside me.