Sunday, 24 January 2010

Diana Watch

 I seem to be the luckiest person in the world. Last year I was chosen to help a Kenyan Prince to help him transfer his money out of the country (small fee to me) and now this,

Dear E-mail Bearer,
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(B).come to office in UK?
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How lucky am I?

 As we all know there are some spectacularly entertaining world leaders, Colonel Gaddafi for instance. A man who has a protection squad made up of only Amazonian proportioned woman and, when making what was supposed to be a 15 minute speech to the UN, went on for so long that he went through 2 translators
 Then there is President Chevaz of Venezuela. He host a live program on the state owned Television company on which he holds forth on the subjects of the day and takes phone calls from the public. This show, called “Hello, President!”, can often last 5 hours. Then, of course, he said that he could still smell the sulphur when he took the podium so time after George W Bush, again at the UN. What is it with the UN and great comedy performances? See also Colin Powell in front of the Security Council trying to convince them that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction, “See this document proves that Saddam tried to buy nuclear material from Africa.”
 “Then can you explain Mr Secretary why, in this document, that Saddam Hussein is President of Iran and “nuclear” is spelt incorrectly?”  
 But by far the most amusing is Silvio Belesconi. Late last year I felt a tremor in the comedy force. It was if a million people laughed out loud at once and were then silent. I had to find out what had caused this mass chuckle. To the News Channels! Economics, no, Sport, no that's' not it, what can it be? “And now the headlines. The curiously smooth fore headed Prime Minister of Italy has been struck in the face by a small, ceramic model of a cathedral” Oh that will be it then.
 I didn't think that this story could get any funnier but hurray for the Italian Judiciary. Italian Judges are not fans of the sex addicted convicted fraudster and have been accused of trying to bring down the President by prosecuting him for various things.
 At the moment they are deciding what to charge the man who lobbed the statuette in his general direction with and Italian Law is quite specific about this. If the injury deemed to need less than 40 days recovery then he will be charged with wounding. Any longer and the more serious charge of wounding with intent comes into play. Mr Berusconi seemed to get better in about 21 days despite his Doctor saying it would take 90 so the Prosecutor Armando Spataro ,who is investigating the case, has asked for two facial specialists doctors to examine Berlusconi next week and give a report. There is much talk that they think it was a stunt.
 Is that possible? Could he have colluded in this? How would this have been bought up at a meeting? “Umm, I was wondering,” (oh and please read this with a comedy Italian accent, whether out loud or in you head) “It seems the people are not so keen on you, our President.”
  “Well why not? I own half the press and control most of the news. Many of them only hear what I want them to hear.”
 “Well Sir, it may be your fraud conviction or that you are a bit of an international embarrassment, what with the divorce and the alleged sex addiction.”
 “Well obviously it isn't either those things but I will humour you. How would you make me more popular with the ungrateful Italian public?”
“Well Sir, first we need a small china church and someone with a great right arm.”
“Go on....”

This week I have complained to the Advertising Standards Agency about the Daily Express. It describes it's self as “The Worlds Greatest Newspaper”, it isn't. Unfortunately they rejected my complaint.  

And so to the much-more-glamorous-than-the-Golden-Globe Awards (You should see the frock I’m wearing),

The Award for Least Relevant Mention of a Favoured Subject,

Usually we don't have the same award 2 weeks in a row but I think we can cope. Not only is it the same award, it is the same paper and the same favoured subject.
 The deputy headmaster of a school in Kent has been arrested and charged with possessing child pornography. Can you guess who used to go to this school? Yes it was Princess Diana.
 To be honest it wasn't just the Daily Mail that run the story with this link (although they have since changed the article on their website and make no mention of Her but as you can see from the URL,, it used too  ) it seems that most of them did.

The Award for Thinking Someone is Much More Important Than They are,

The live subtitles on Sky News are always amusing, as I have said before, but on Monday evening they excelled themselves, “Boyzone to carry on For Peace”. Really? They think that they can bring about world peace? Umm, no. It was later changed to “Boyzone to carry on as a four piece”.

The Aware For Just Being A Little Bit Brilliant,

 The Dorchester restaurant Sienna has been awarded a Michelin Star. It is the first establishment in our town to have this honour bestowed upon them for 20 years. I can assure you that this isn’t an advert for them (although they can pay me with free meals if they want to, I want to be corrupted) but I had to best food I have ever tasted there. Has food ever bought a tear to your eye because it was so good?

The Award for Thinking That YOU Are More Important Than You Are,

This really has to go to the BNP just about ever week but this week they have, at least, put some effort in.
 They are attempting invoked the 1872 Ballot Act (well it proves that at least one of them can read I suppose). They are worried about vote rigging or ballot stuffing because they think everyone is against them (well they are) so, under a clause in this law they can have their own seal on the ballot box. They will also require a member of their party to be present at the opening of the box to check the seal.
 Well done the BBC for bringing this to my attention. If it hadn’t been for you reporting it and having their spokesman on a prime-time news program I would never have heard about it this self promoting stunt. Another attempt to cast themselves as victims. Well done and thank you.

Sadly the rugby commentator Bill Mclaren has died and just before the start of the new 6 Nations tournament. Nature can be so cruel. Anyway, just a brief Youtube “His best bits” thing (I feel like Davina but with out the shiny, flowing, chestnutty locks),

See how the new regime of a shorter, more concise Sunday blog has fallen down at the second hurdle, sorry about that. Although, in my defence, there was lots I wanted to mention like the crime rate was down 8% yet David Cameron gave a speech on Friday about how bad crime was in Britain. Good fact ignoring there. Oh and that unemployment down as well. Fingers crossed for a bit a Labour recovery. Please don’t vote Tory.

 No more from me, have a good week all.

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