11 year old to his dad, “I need a new sports bag.” “Why?” he asked “It's a perfectly good bag.” “Yes but it says Norwich Union on it and they are Aviva now.”
In my humble opinion the most important news story of the week was my cold. I felt terrible on Thursday, shivery and cold, blocked nose and aching limbs. Awful.
Then I woke up on Friday and felt fine. Can you imagine my disappointment on feeling well again and having to go to work? Possibly the worst day of my life.
James Martin is a cock (That's not actually what I wanted to call him but I've used the other C word rather a lot recently). It occurs to me that some of you might not know who he is so here is a picture,
as you can clearly see, he is a cock. He is also a chef and seems to work for the BBC a lot. He was on Ready, Steady, Cock back in the day but now is on Saturday Kitchen which is shown on, umm...... Saturday.
He also writes a car review, every so often, for the receptacle of all evil that is the Daily Mail. In one column he reviewed an electric car called the Tesla, which is really rather nice.
He doesn't like cyclist. Some people don't but usually it's within cities because cyclists, sometimes, do behave a little poorly. He hates cyclists in the countryside, mostly in the area around his house.
He has had a go at cyclists before but on Sunday he wrote that had sneaked up on a group of lycra clad hippies (for some reason he thinks all cyclists are hippies. Are all chefs cocks?), it's an electric car remember, used the horn and drove them off the road, “The look of sheer terror as they tottered into the hedge was the best thing I've ever seen in my rear-view mirror.”
Of course he apologised for writing the piece, as soon as someone complained, saying that it had been “misjudged” and had been intended to be “humorous”. I can not tell you how many times I've laughed as cars and buses have tried to knock me off of my bike, it's always so funny.
He also, rather inexplicably, said “It was never my intention to offend the many cyclists who share our roads across the country” Oh please, if you are going to write something at least believe in it. You called us names all the way through the article, you did mean to offend. That's what you do when you insult people. What a twat and, yes, it was my intention to offend him.
Barack Obama has dropped America's plans for the European missile defence system. Could this be his first truly great decision?
He is trying to sort some other things out like healthcare and Guantanamo Bay but this is the first thing he has really sorted out. No we will not put an unproven and remarkably expensive missile defence in countries whose people don’t want it and that will protect them from, ummm.... nothing.
Is this a gesture towards peace rather than war? If so I think that would make him the first American leader to make that sort of decision since..... well ever (my American history isn't that good). Actually I think he might be the only modern politician, in any country, to make a policy choice that doesn't use keeping us scared as it’s guiding principle, especially in National Defence.
Of course this has meant criticism from Republicans who have calling him soft on defence and giving in to Russia, although given what the US and the IMF did to the Russian economy in the 90's this muffin basket of a gesture should be the least that America could do. Giving in to Russia? THE COLD WAR IS OVER, YOU WON!
It also occurs to me that being as most of the Republican Congressmen (and I'm sure a lot of Democrats do as well) get shed loads of many from defence firms or work for them they were always likely to take it really personally.
Oh and they are all racists I'm told.
Who do they think is aiming a missile at them? Terrorist groups don't tend to have intercontinental ballistic missiles. Heck, even Iran doesn't. In fact if you look at this document (the bottom of page 11 and page 12 are most interesting) it seems that Iran is a long way from making a bomb and there is no published evidence from the US Intelligence community or anyone else that says that they have tried to develop, manufacture or test a device.
The document also points out that “Iran has acquired technologies not only from Pakistan but also from several European countries in contravention of export control regulations,”
Oh good. So it seems that far from there being a “War on Terror”, we are, in fact, exporting the things that we think that they shouldn’t have to them, probably gift wrapped with a nice bow, and then complaining about them having them.
International Politics is hard.
“Your starter for 10, who in that area does have nuclear weapons but isn't supposed to?” “Norris, employed some of the time!” “Umm, is it ....?” “Come on, I'll have to hurry you!” “Is it Israel?” “Yes, yes it is”.
I run a little bit so I found this incredibly impressive.
Slightly chubby man (at least he was when he started) Eddie Izzard has run 43 marathons in 52 days. He has covered 1,100 miles. He did it for a couple of reasons. One was to raise money for Sports Relief, which was good of him. The other reason was too celebrate the Olympics coming to London in 2012, in a sort of “if I, a slightly fat 40 something man can do this, imagine what you can do” way. This, I think is the more interesting of the two.
So many people have been, are being and will be cynical about London 2012 but it is going to happen. If everyone thinks it's going to be rubbish then it will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Then the lazy thinkers, I'm looking at you Littlejohn and Clarkson, can all right columns saying “I told you so. It embarrassing. Why didn't anyone listen to me?” Because you are an arse, that's why. You are defeatist, short sighted and unhelpfully to the public life of this country. All you do is complain and moan. Not a positive phrase ever creeps out of you. You fear change like Luddites. You don't want Britain to be great; you want England to be as it was in the some misty eyed, mythical time that you have invented.
The Olympics will be fantastic. The cream of the Worlds sports men and women in one place and that place will be here.
Why can't we give the world a great show? Because some tubby middle aged men can't be bothered to get up off of their holier-than-though arses and do something to help because sneering is easier. Fuck them I say. Eddie Izzard is my new hero, a tubby middle aged man who did get off his arse and do something. Something great and inspiring. Bring on the Olympics, I, for one, will be loving it.
Oh dear, I seem to have ranted there a bit but it does seem that I hate lazy,cynical people who do nothing but talk our country down. And i was trying so hard to do nice.
Some awards to cheer myself up I think,
The Award for Incredible Over Reaction and Scaremongering of the Week,
This goes to Prof. Hugh Pennington who, is now, an arse.
Some children in England have picked up the E-coli bacteria after visiting a petting zoo or 2. This is a shame for them, don't misunderstand me, but his response was, “Children under 5 shouldn't touch the animals in case they get it.” Oh for goodness sake, just make sure they wash their hands afterwards.
Are you a grandfather sir? Have you ever tried to explain to a 4 and a half year old that they can't touch the animals (which is the point, after all, of a petting zoo) but their slightly older sibling can? Have you ever tried to stop a 3 year old doing pretty much whatever it wants?
There is already a strange disconnect between us and our food and now we are being told that they are dangerous to touch. It's like a fantasy Daily Mail headline, “If the paedophiles don't get your children the sheep and rabbits will”.
The Award for Is There Nothing Sacred Story of the Week,
Is no sport safe from cheating and match fixing? Rugby, cricket, football, formula 1 and now....... Crown Green bowling.
Oh yes. The Canadian team has claimed that the New Zealand team deliberately lost to Thailand at the Asia-Pacific Championships in Malaysia.
Because it is bowls the details are far to boring to go into but you can have a look at the link of you are interested.
The Award for Epic Lying About Your Age of the Week,
This week slightly right-wing and confirmed misogynist Keith Floyd died. Sad for his family. However, when it was announced on the news they claimed that he was only 65!
There is no way on this earth that he was only 65. How badly do you have to treat your body to add at least 20 years to it? I know that you think being mean but I know that I'm not the only one to think it.
We have received and invitation to our friends’ son's “naming ceremony” and we are slightly curious as to what will happen. We have been to the odd christening but this is all new. Will someone say, “I name this child Jay-Z Jnr” and then smash a bottle of champagne over him? I don't know and it upsets me.
I hope you all have a good week.