Diana Watch

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How lucky am I?

 As we all know there are some spectacularly entertaining world leaders, Colonel Gaddafi for instance. A man who has a protection squad made up of only Amazonian proportioned woman and, when making what was supposed to be a 15 minute speech to the UN, went on for so long that he went through 2 translators. 

 Then there is President Chevaz of Venezuela. He host a live program on the state owned Television company on which he holds forth on the subjects of the day and takes phone calls from the public. This show, called “Hello, President!”, can often last 5 hours. Then, of course, he said that he could still smell the sulphur when he took the podium so time after George W Bush, again at the UN. What is it with the UN and great comedy performances? See also Colin Powell in front of the Security Council trying to convince them that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction, “See this document proves that Saddam tried to buy nuclear material from Africa.”

 “Then can you explain Mr Secretary why, in this document, that Saddam Hussein is President of Iran and “nuclear” is spelt incorrectly?”  

 But by far the most amusing is Silvio Belesconi. Late last year I felt a tremor in the comedy force. It was if a million people laughed out loud at once and were then silent. I had to find out what had caused this mass chuckle. To the News Channels! Economics, no, Sport, no that's' not it, what can it be? “And now the headlines. The curiously smooth fore headed Prime Minister of Italy has been struck in the face by a small, ceramic model of a cathedral” Oh that will be it then.

 I didn't think that this story could get any funnier but hurray for the Italian Judiciary. Italian Judges are not fans of the sex addicted convicted fraudster and have been accused of trying to bring down the President by prosecuting him for various things.

 At the moment they are deciding what to charge the man who lobbed the statuette in his general direction with and Italian Law is quite specific about this. If the injury deemed to need less than 40 days recovery then he will be charged with wounding. Any longer and the more serious charge of wounding with intent comes into play. Mr Berusconi seemed to get better in about 21 days despite his Doctor saying it would take 90 so the Prosecutor Armando Spataro ,who is investigating the case, has asked for two facial specialists doctors to examine Berlusconi next week and give a report. There is much talk that they think it was a stunt.

 Is that possible? Could he have colluded in this? How would this have been bought up at a meeting? “Umm, I was wondering,” (oh and please read this with a comedy Italian accent, whether out loud or in you head) “It seems the people are not so keen on you, our President.”

  “Well why not? I own half the press and control most of the news. Many of them only hear what I want them to hear.”

 “Well Sir, it may be your fraud conviction or that you are a bit of an international embarrassment, what with the divorce and the alleged sex addiction.”

 “Well obviously it isn't either those things but I will humour you. How would you make me more popular with the ungrateful Italian public?”

“Well Sir, first we need a small china church and someone with a great right arm.”

“Go on....”

This week I have complained to the Advertising Standards Agency about the Daily Express. It describes it's self as “The Worlds Greatest Newspaper”, it isn't. Unfortunately they rejected my complaint.  

And so to the much-more-glamorous-than-the-Golden-Globe Awards (You should see the frock I’m wearing),

The Award for Least Relevant Mention of a Favoured Subject,

Usually we don't have the same award 2 weeks in a row but I think we can cope. Not only is it the same award, it is the same paper and the same favoured subject.

 The deputy headmaster of a school in Kent has been arrested and charged with possessing child pornography. Can you guess who used to go to this school? Yes it was Princess Diana.

 To be honest it wasn't just the Daily Mail that run the story with this link (although they have since changed the article on their website and make no mention of Her but as you can see from the URL, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1244122/Deputy-head-Princess-Dianas-school-charged-child-porn-offences.html, it used too  ) it seems that most of them did.

The Award for Thinking Someone is Much More Important Than They are,

The live subtitles on Sky News are always amusing, as I have said before, but on Monday evening they excelled themselves, “Boyzone to carry on For Peace”. Really? They think that they can bring about world peace? Umm, no. It was later changed to “Boyzone to carry on as a four piece”.

The Aware For Just Being A Little Bit Brilliant,

 The Dorchester restaurant Sienna has been awarded a Michelin Star. It is the first establishment in our town to have this honour bestowed upon them for 20 years. I can assure you that this isn’t an advert for them (although they can pay me with free meals if they want to, I want to be corrupted) but I had to best food I have ever tasted there. Has food ever bought a tear to your eye because it was so good?

The Award for Thinking That YOU Are More Important Than You Are,

This really has to go to the BNP just about ever week but this week they have, at least, put some effort in.

 They are attempting invoked the 1872 Ballot Act (well it proves that at least one of them can read I suppose). They are worried about vote rigging or ballot stuffing because they think everyone is against them (well they are) so, under a clause in this law they can have their own seal on the ballot box. They will also require a member of their party to be present at the opening of the box to check the seal.

 Well done the BBC for bringing this to my attention. If it hadn’t been for you reporting it and having their spokesman on a prime-time news program I would never have heard about it this self promoting stunt. Another attempt to cast themselves as victims. Well done and thank you.

Sadly the rugby commentator Bill Mclaren has died and just before the start of the new 6 Nations tournament. Nature can be so cruel. Anyway, just a brief Youtube “His best bits” thing (I feel like Davina but with out the shiny, flowing, chestnutty locks),

See how the new regime of a shorter, more concise Sunday blog has fallen down at the second hurdle, sorry about that. Although, in my defence, there was lots I wanted to mention like the crime rate was down 8% yet David Cameron gave a speech on Friday about how bad crime was in Britain. Good fact ignoring there. Oh and that unemployment down as well. Fingers crossed for a bit a Labour recovery. Please don’t vote Tory.

 No more from me, have a good week all.

Diana Watch

We are going to start with a question and this one's for the ladies (oh god, I sound like some terrible RnB singer, although I'm not sure I actually know the names of any Male RnB singers). Has Wolf Whistling ever worked? Have you been walking down the street and some knuckle dragging cretin has whistled at you? And then did you think to yourself, that's the sort of man that I want to be with? Have you?
I only ask this because when we were sat in the pub on Monday evening waiting for the quiz to start and on a table close to ours were a couple of slightly worse for wear young men (I believe a birthday was being celebrated.). Every time a young lady walked past someone in the group let out the World’s most piss poor wolf whistle.
Of course, no good came of this. They did not leave the pub drippin' in honeys. In fact they left the pub because the bar staff stopped serving them as they were drunk and a bit rowdy.
My question, however, remains. Was it the weakness of the whistling that prevented the acquisition of lady love or the act it's self? I have to know.
Although there is always the possibility that they were actually herding sheep using a dog of some sort but this is a little unlikely given as it was in a pub, even if it was in Dorchester.

I know that my town is a little out of the way. Some may even say backward and those people would probably have a point but answer me this, does your town have the National Champion Town Crier? No, no it doesn't. And why is that? Because mine does.
Oh yes! For the third time in a row Alistair Chisholm has won the National Town Criers Challenge Cup. Can your town claim that it has this sort of quality living there? Well can it? No it can't. You may have Universities and Cathedrals and the such. You may have great shopping and excellent parks but we have the best Town Crier in all of the country.
You may be thinking to yourselves, “well there can't be that much competition for that sort of thing” and you would be wrong. Alistair beat 17 other completely pointless, tourist pleasing anachronisms for that title. I can see the posters now “Come to Dorchester and get shouted at by the best in the land.” It gives me a warm feeling inside.

We did paedophilia last week (if you'll forgive the expression) but for a new level in paranoia read this.
Although it does seem that it might not be as true as the papers would like to have us believe. Never let the facts get in the way of a good story.

Somali pirates have kidnapped a British couple and their boat. Now, I'm not going to criticise the couple who did exactly what they were advised not to because they might be taken captive. No. what I going to mention is, who did the Pirates call to make a ransom demand? Was it Sky news? Was it ITV? Was it Dave? No, it was the BBC. Even Somali pirates think the BBC is great.
According to BBC news since this spate in kidnappings has started companies have sprung up to act as intermediaries between Governments and families on one side and the Pirates on the other. They will sort out all sorts of things, such as dropping of the cash and arranging the rather specific requests about the cash i.e. they like very specific denominations and from between certain dates. Isn't Capitalism fantastic?

I have a new hero. That man is Prof. David Nutt. He was the government's advisor on drugs until he was fired on Friday for using science and reporting it dispassionately.
He criticised Government for completely ignoring the advice that he has been giving them on many subjects but mostly on Skunk. He accused them of devaluing scientific evidence in general in the way that they deciding to ignore it and make policy based on the headlines they might receive.
Dr Les King, a part time advisor to the Advisory Council on the Misuse of drugs, has now resigned over the sacking of its head, Prof. Nutt.
Who is going do that job now? If you don't speak out then you are quite clearly a wuss and if you do then you are going to be fired. It is like the medieval sage who tells the King that he might loose the battle and he has you killed. What is the next sage going to say? “Oh yes my liege, you is like going to well win.” in order to keep his head on his shoulders.

So Jimmy Carr told a joke. Now, because the joke isn't actually offensive here it is, "Say what you like about servicemen amputees from Iraq and Afghanistan, but we're going to have a fucking good Paralympics team in 2012."
Now I think that that is quite a funny joke but it is not offensive. It is not a joke about the injuries that have been suffered, nor is it making light of them. It is a joke about war and the way it affects people’s lives.
Our lovely tabloids seem to be trying to bring about a new Puritanism. I had thought that MP's would have learnt, after being made to look silly by Chris Morris and others, that if they didn't really know what they are talking about that they would keep their mouths shut but oh no. They are still rent-a-quotes and will be offended be anything in order to further their careers or up their profile. Whilst some MP's said some stupid things i.e. calling for Carr to quit, from what precisely?, the least thought though statement was given to the Daily Mirror. Diane Dernie, the mother of wounded soldier Ben Parkinson, said: "Soldiers are fighting for freedom of speech. I hope Carr remembers that when he makes offensive jokes ridiculing them." Yes they are. They are fighting for freedom of speech. So he can say it then? Think about what you are saying.
These people just want to be offended by something. They have no idea about subtext or subtlety of meaning. I assume that they think that Animal Farm is about some uppity pigs.


The Award for Funny Looking Bloke of the Week Whose Beard is Clearly Drawn On,

This really has to go to Colonel Gaddafi,



Another Sky-News-being-on-in-the-pub moment this. They had an interview with the noted bag of lunacy that is the leader of Libya on Monday evening but unfortunately the pub didn't have the subtitles on. This meant that the whole pub was transfixed by the plastianted face (like a Gunther von Hagens victim being operated by Jim Henson) of the former terrorist sponsor rather then barely being able to keep their beer down whilst guffawing at the paranoid dribble that he mistakes for coherent argument.

The Award for I Can't Believe They Still Have That Rule,

President Obama is to lift ban on HIV+ve people travelling to the US. Let's just run through that again. America still bans HIV+ve people travelling there. Still. And has done for 22 years. I'm sorry? I didn't know that they still had a ban. I mean, how backward are these people? Actually, don't bother answering that, it’s unfair. It’s not the people’s fault. Some of them are lovely I'm sure but their Country does seem to be a little, well, slow.
Whilst I was discussing this with Significant Other, she reminded me that a World HIV conference was held there but no one with the disease was allowed to travel to it. At least things are now beginning to change there.

The Award for Sad News of the Week,

The actor Norman Painter has died. He has been playing Philip Archer in the long running Radio 4 soap opera The Archers since 1950. He has also written over 1000 scripts for the programme. One of his wishes was to carry on working until he died and he got his way. He was in the studio 3 days before he died. His last episode will be broadcast on the 22nd of November. RIP.

So, just some British sports news to finish with. At the Cycling World Track Cup various Team GB cyclist have won pretty much everything. They have, yet again, shown that British cycling is the best in the world. Bow down before our pedals tiny people.

Hope you all have a nice week and I'll keep you informed about the health of my cat which has renal failure.

Diana Watch

“In a lot of ways, terrible to say this I suppose, but apart from the fact that Hitler got taken away and persuaded to do things that I have no idea whether he wanted to do or not, he was in the way that he could command a lot of people, able to get things done.
“In the end he got lost, so he wasn’t a very good dictator because either he had all these things and knew what was going on and insisted, or he just went along with it . . . so either way he wasn’t a dictator.” He also rounded on democracy, claiming that “it hasn’t done a lot of good for many countries — including this one [Britain]”.

I give you the words of Bernie Ecclestone last week in an interview with The Times last weekend. The weekend before the German Grand Prix. How stupid is this man?
So, we have the son of a fascist running the governing body of the sport and a man who admires Hitler is the other most powerful man in F1. Oh dear. What else can you say? The good news is he said sorry. So that's ok then.
Why now do we allow people to do and say the most ridiculous things and then just say “sorry”? No punishment, nothing. Racists are saints in death.

I want to start by saying, I told you so. A survey out this week from the Equality and Human Rights commission has shown that immigrants do not get priority for social housing. The report found that only 1.8 per cent of social tenants had moved to Britain within the past five years.
Some 87.8 per cent were British-born and 10 per cent of foreigners who had been living in Britain for more than five years.
Does this put the issue to bed? I wouldn't have thought so. Facts seem to get ignored by people who views or agenda differ from the point proved by cold statistics. We seem to believe things that our friend told us over the research of Noble prize winners. Why is this? It is the sort of behaviour that keeps the Daily Mail's and Express' “health” sections going. If you want to make yourself really angry (although I can't imagine why you would want to do that) have a look at their “health” sections on-line. It is a science free zone. A place where the single anecdote is considered as more reliable than a double blind experiment or the meta-analysis of 200 different papers.

David Cameron, a man who knows a political opportunity when he sees one, has decided that he wants to get rid of some QUANGOs. For those of you who don't know QUANGOs (quasi antonymous non-governmental organisations) are groups set up by the Government to over see the running of things like the communication industry or the utilities, groups such as OFCOM and OFWAT.
He wants a full review of what they do and how much they spend. He would also like to make them more accountable. You will note several political buzzwords or buzz-themes in the last 2 sentences. Cost and accountability. QUANGOs are easy targets because most people don't know what they are or do so don't think that they are important and they can easily be portrayed as such.
Many of them play very important roles and they keep politicians out of the direct running of things that they really shouldn't be interfering with. One of Mr Cameron's ideas is that some of the people running these organisations should be elected. Oh god, why? We can't even get the populace motivated enough to vote for who runs the country let alone who runs the British Potato Council. There is also the problem with electing people that you politicize groups or roles that really don't need to be politicized. This happens in America where they have to elect nearly everyone with even the slightest amount of power and this leads to political patronage and cronyism.
They have to elect Judges and chiefs of police. Politics in the judiciary is the best way to avoid dull things like fair trials and even handed enforcement of the law. He also seems unaware of the fact that a number of QUANGOs are directly accountable to Parliament or, at least, a committee.
What David Cameron seems to have, conveniently, forgotten is that ever Government since the 80's has said that it wants to reduce the number of QUANGOs but has ended up creating more and more. A cynical person of a certain age might be reminded of Yes Minister/Prime Minister (a program that tells you as much about British politics as The West Wing ever did about U.S. politics) when there was a review of the Civil Service with a view to shedding jobs. Following the review they discovered that they need more civil servants.

There was another exciting G8 meeting this week where world leaders met and discussed how terrible things are in the world and what they can do about them, which is usually realise a pre-prepared statement about how bad things are and offer to give them some more money and then not give it, hey Italy!
To be honest the meeting didn't achieve very much except to show President Obama in a very good light again. We may have decided to change the way we give money to Africa, concentrating on development agriculture, as they did in India, rather than just giving money and food.
The most exciting moment of the conference was, however, when former terrorist (but he said sorry so it's ok now) Colonel Gaddafi turned up. If you count out all the killing he sponsored (yes it is a bit like a fun run, “I'll give $2000 for every killing you do”), which our leaders seem to do, he is a deeply entertaining human being. He insists on living in a tent and has a personal security force entirely made up of beautiful young woman. His reasoning is that they are less likely to try and kill him. I don't buy this logic myself but I do have a feeling that, having now seen the guards, convicted criminal Silvio Berlusconi will be seriously looking into the idea for himself.

Airlines and Unions yesterday (Saturday) released a joint statement, and got their faces all over the 24hour news channels, complaining about air passenger duty. This was a tax introduced by the Government to try and put people off flying a bit because it is fantastically polluting. The complaint for the airlines is that the tax is going up in November. It will be about £20 for a short-haul flight and up to £80 for a long-haul flight. I my opinion the only mistake that was made in introducing this tax was that it was not ring fenced by the Government to be used for only “Green” projects. That would have made it bullet proof. As it stands the Airlines can argue against it in 2 ways. Firstly they used the “Won't somebody please think of the children!” argument. “Think of a family going to see relatives in far away lands. It will cost them so much more”. Oh well. Perhaps you could absorb the price rise into your ticket prices rather than just passing it straight on to the customer. It's not going to happen though is it as you already charge us extra for pretty much everything including putting fuel in the plane. And then they used the “we are an industry on the edge” argument. Again, oh well. Not really our fault that you had massive over capacity is it.
There was also a nice bit of Tory-type exaggeration. They described this well advertised extra cost as a “stealth tax”. It's not really is it? And to be honest I wouldn't care if it was. As an industry you are untaxed. You don't pay tax on the fuel that you charge us extra for. You don't have to pay tax on the tickets you sell. My advice would be to shut up and keep your heads down. You get a great deal at the moment. Good tax breaks. Not being included in carbon trading so that you can pollute for free. If you make to much fuss someone might notice how good it is for you and change a few things.
Oh and answer my e-mails to you about what percentage of you flights are business and not holiday ones so that I argue against you properly.

Lets do some awards now as I have a busy day, out for lunch, then a party in the afternoon and then out for dinner,

The Award for Losing Faith So Very Quickly,

This goes to nearly all England cricket fans and sports writers who, after only 3 days of the first Ashes test, started praying for rain and writing off this Ashes series. Yes it does seem that we are going to loose the first test but it is the first of 5. Cheer up.

The Award for Finally Getting Around It,

If you generate your own electricity you will now be able to sell it to the National grid. Micro generators will now get a fixed price for any excess power that they generate and divert to the national grid, just like in 19 other European countries! I bet you can’t even name other European countries can you? I don’t think I can. Way to keep up with Eastern Europe there Gordon Brown.

That will do I think. Off for another week of allotment and bread making, which is nice. Hope you all have a good week. Oh and thank you to those who have helped push past the 6000 mark for views of my Myspace blog xx