Christmas Songs

So it's nearly Christmas (I'm sure you already now that but it you don't, it's in 3 days time so best you go and buy some presents) and I have written some songs, well 2. Just the words though, I have stolen the tunes. It's just a bit of fun.

How about this to the tune of “We Wish a Merry Christmas,” it's called “We wish you would find that Boson,”

We wish you would find that Boson,

We wish you would find that Boson,
We wish you would find that Boson with your big round machine.

We need to find out what gives us all mass

Then we can blame something other than many mince pies.

Oh bring us the conditions
oh bring us the conditions

Oh bring us the conditions for the beginning of time

We won't know until we smash them
we won't know until we smash them
we won't know until we smash them at immensely high speed

We wish you would find that Boson,
We wish you would find that Boson,
We wish you would find that Boson with your big round machine.

And this one to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”, it's called “Humble the Woo Man.”

For a little background on Jim Humble may I suggest you have a look here and here.

Anyway on with the songs,

Humble the Woo Man was a very naughty man
with his cooked up facts and his made up church
he became a massive pain.

Humble the Woo Man is a Miracle they say
he made some claims but the skeptics know
that his science was astray

There must have been some magic in the odd things that he said
cos when typed and flapped his mouth, his believers danced around.

He said “it's mostly oxygen and something that's in salt,
it'll cure most things in the world and is very sanely priced.

Humble the Woo Man wasn't believed by everyone,
when a boy named Rhys bought up concerns
they tried to shout him down.

Humble the Woo Man caimed it wasn't bleach
but the FDA and the ASA
seemed to disagree.

Ok, the last one is a bit of a work in progress but it's fun(ish).

There is a nice Christmassy DORC podcast here which is quite fun. I hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

Diana Watch

Hello, how are we all? Good I hope. Busy in the run up to Christmas? I am a bit busy so I don’t think that I have time to do any of this writing nonsense at the moment, well not the usually Sunday one any way. I don’t think that anyone will mind that much will they? We can all come back to this a fresh in the New Year. If anything funny happens or occurs to me, fear not, I will tell you, just not regularly.
If nothing else happens may I wish you a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year xx

Diana Watch

I do hope that you all had a lovely Christmas. Mine was a bit sucky to be honest because I was at work and significant other was in Kent because her Dad isn’t well but she came home on Boxing Day and all became well again. And I got some good presents as well so thank you to everyone who bought me stuff but a pox on you, whoever got me in the work secret Santa and hasn’t bought me a present yet, git.
I think that I am supposed to write a review of the year but I can’t really remember most of the things that happened, news wise, this year. I could write a review of my personal year but that would be a little self indulgent, has been a good year though, I got married and also drank a lot of tea, so I won’t do that either. I would think that most of you have better things to do at this time of year than spend time with this sort of rambling nonsense so let’s keep it nice and short.
It’s not been the greatest week ever for liberal members of the Catholic Church, I’m sure there are some somewhere, if you look really, really hard, after the Pope’s motivational message to his work force and than the Christmas message in a sermon at a children’s service in Italy given by some Priest or other. The Pope decided that his Christmas letter should, rather than the usual round-robin family nonsense, “it’s been a good year for us here at the Vatican”, include some insulting remarks about homosexuality and gender reassignment. It would seem that they are as big a treat to the world as deforestation or at least saving the world from those nasty gays is as important, to him, as saving the rainforests. Now maybe it is possible that the Pope really doesn’t give a fuck about saving the rain forest and therefore he’s not really that interested in homosexuality either but I think that that is unlikely.
He feels that gender theory is blurring the distinction between Male and Female, he sounds like my Dad the first time he saw Boy George sometime in the 80’s, “ well is it a man or a woman?”, and could lead to the “self-destruction” of man-kind. I’m sorry, what? There are 6 billion people in the world and the population is still growing so I think we will be all right on the heti people still breeding thing and, as significant other pointed out, if you want to get picky about the non-breeders, let’s talk about priests shall we. A vow of chastity is it? How does that help with the proliferation of the species? Hypocrite. Oh and that outfit that the Pope insists on wearing, you know, the one that looks a bit Versace, do you think that was designed by a heterosexual man? And then Father Dino Bottino of the Sacred Heart Church of Novara in Northern Italy told the children at a children’s mass that there was no Santa and that it has nothing to do with “the Christmas story”. It has nothing to do with YOUR Christmas story. He defended himself by saying that he didn’t want the children to believe in a fairy tale. To be honest that would be too easy so I won’t bother but still, what a git.Oh yes and 5 million people shopped on-line on Christmas day this year in Britain, that’s 500,000 more than went to Church on this, most sacred day of the year. Does that mean that on-line shoppers now feel that they have some sort of moral superiority over the rest of us and that they can lecture us about how bad we all are? That if we don’t do as they say we will all end up in some sort of on-line shopping hell. You know the sort of thing, you entry your credit or debit card details and your address, you press “pay” and then you end up back at the same screen with one section highlighted in red for no reason that you can fathom. FOREVER! It is a vision of hell to brutal even for Dante to consider for his updated version of the Divine Comedy, set in New York, starring 4 middle age woman constantly discussing their sex lives, oh no that is my personnel vision of hell. Does all of their morality come from an ambiguously written very old book; say a Littlewoods catalogue from 1976. do you see what I’ve done there?
There was a nice story on the news about a goldfish that survived out of its tank for 12 hours, my, what a heart warming story, it must be a quiet news day today. Oh no, wait a minute, isn’t Israel bombing the crap out of Gaza at the moment? It is getting quite a bit of coverage at the moment but not really enough and I ask myself why? Could it be that the BBC have given up trying to explain a complicated situation to us or is it that they don’t want to explain it properly i.e., Israel is in more breaches of UN resolutions than Iran ever was, that invaded Palestine in 1967 illegally, the Israeli settlements are illegal, the US and Britain sell Israel billion dollars of weapons per year, Israel controls everything the goes into Gaza (medicine, fuel, food, people etc) and regularly stop the movement of all of these things into one of the most densely populated regions on earth. Is it any wonder the some Palestinians fire rockets at Israeli towns? That is all I’m going to say because if you criticise Israel you can be accused of being Anti-Semitic and I am not but I do have problems with Israel and America’s attitude to this country.

Not that funny this week, sorry about that, but hey, Christmas can be a depressing time of the year. Hope you have a nice new year xx